lost marbles

Hello World. This is my first post so forgive me if i do it wrong. I have been unstable for quite some time (years) and have always thought i was just depressed, just lately it seems more that just that, i have real highs and extreme lows that take days to get out of. I am hurtful in the way i speak to my boyfriend and my kids and at times i really couldn’t care less about them.  I have a huge hatred of myself, i will call myself fat or sometimes want to die if i think im not good enough. I tell my boyfriend to go and find someone else who can make him happier than i can.   I would like to find out more about bi-polar before i go to my doctors so i can understand more about myself and whats going on in my head. Debbie xxx